mission 8

Cave bear learns:

Lurking in the dark wet alleyway, cave bear listens to the bustle of the traffic on that street by the gallo arts center. There is a function going on and people are parking their cars in the garage, or having the valet park their Ferraris and ford pintos. Its some Russian composer called Thaichovsky. He must be famous because people are dressed in tuxedos and clown suits. Clown. I hate clowns. Some of my people have been abducted to the circus and made to perform. It seems that these functions serve a vital role in the community. I have heard about the larger city. They have huge stadiums with sports teams that entertain them. This bear is smart, he knows that these things are meant as entertainment so the masses can forget their everyday lives. They serve as social gatherings too, where people can mix and drink in public. It is sad that people need to entertain their lives away instead of doing something meaningful like prevent forest fires.

Cave bear acts L(I didn’t attend any events because I have two kids, work nights and go to full time school)

This cave bear attended this concert once I found a phone booth large enough to change into my dior tuxedo. I sat in the front row and was presented with a key to the city from the mayor. I growled and told him to cut the crap and make modesto a small business tax free zone. He laughed at me so I ate him.errr..well I wanted to, but really I left him alone…..there was this robot there, an evil robot that used his evil powers of disenfranchisement to make the people poor. He was sent here by The Man. I battled him with my fantastic-best-super-power-on-earth-better-than-any-other-superhero-skill the grizzly attack. The robot didn’t make it. But the man lives on.

 The concert was nice, and I had a conversation with a lady wearing a diamond necklace about truffles. The music really did entertain me, almost as much as the bear naked ladies which as everyone knows is a pro-bear nature band.  Everyone seemed to feel more important after going to the concert, like classical music elevated their status.

Cave bear imagines:

The robot that attacked the concert hall didn’t make it. It was however a great publicity opportunity. I got a picture of it, check below…also I got a great picture of the keys to modesto. These past events have taught me that evil robots don’t stand a chance against a twelve foot tall cave bear.

mission6. healthy people

Cave bear imagines:

Cave bear learns:

                Cave bear has learned that the problem with the world is video games. People don’t go outside and play as much. Instead they stay in and drink soda and get their heart rates up by killing zombies. Certain cities have promoted healthy lifestyles to no avail. Parents are just not as involved in parenting these days. I guess you say they don’t care. People need to accept responsibility for their own lives and its time this bear got into high gear.

Cave bear acts:

                When this bear was small he used to enjoy salmon fishing with his bear-paws (pun intended). The cold water rushing by, the roar of the rapids, and the large juicy fish jumping out of the water attempting to swim upstream.  There I stand like a machine. Swiping fish out of the water and air like a bear windmill. This is bear cardio, and humans should try it. Of course humans would rather slap virtual salmon out of the water and then get trophies and level-ups. It seems life is too much work for humans. Salmon fishing bear style will hopefully be something people will love as much as bears do.

                The first thing I will do will be to approach NBC with an offer to create a televised salmon swiping sport for humans so as to glamorize the sport. This will entice the young people that bears are cool and that they can obtain large tasty fish in such fashion.

                Then my second step will be to indoctrinate the youth and to whip them into a fervor with ideas of health consciousness and granola. No more they idolize trash talking sports stars that are overpaid and oversexed.  To do this I will create internet sensational videos that will go viral with encoded messages that are subliminal in nature. The message will engage the serotonin levels to equalize and as a result there will be no more depression.

                The third thing I will do will be to coax the sun to produce more cosmic high energy rays to penetrate the humans in order to cause more DNA damage, thus weeding out the weak. The people that are left after the period of bombardment will repopulate the earth with a more hardy and healthy humans that avoid making poor life choices.

Cave bear imagines:

                I have teamed up with two people.  A bald eagle from the baldeagle-tribe and healzor for his health multiplying powers. The baldeagles will help mankind learn the power of kick-ass. Everyone in America has left their gripes of unfairness, unjust-ness, poverty, richness and powerless-ness to come to the natural streams of the forests of the northwest to hunt fish in the ice cold streams. They now exercise regularly and live in a utopian society where heart rates are 60-70 bpm and blood pressure is 120 over 60. This natural stress reliever has worked wonders for the American people. As they have become more health and eco-conscience, China has learned that they were soft and invaded, but hey, lets save the environment first! Healzor has never been busier and now is a guru with millions of followers.  Absolutely no one dies! They remain healthy for hundreds of years until they beg for death, All because a simple idea sprouted up about getting in shape. Now the bears are pushed to the brink of extinction competing for the natural resources.

               

mission five: ghetto fabulous

Mission 5:

Cave bear learns:

Deep in the mires of modesto’s airport neighborhood this cave bear listens to the barking dogs and gunshots and random drunkenness. This is a neighborhood that borders the huge Gallo plant on one side and a river on another. There are three liquor stores in this neighborhood, two churches, and a steady stream of sheriff cars. Down every street there are signs of disfunctionality and decrepitude. There are homeless people living along the river and wandering through the neighborhood enroute to the liquor stores or other places. Yards are filled with junk and several houses have burned to the ground.

But there are nice houses too. Bordering the park there are several nice places with nice cars in front. Fenced in yards and guard dogs protect the house from the sea of sweltering disenfranchisement. This neighborhood needs cave bear.

Cave bear has seen worse. Cave bear can help these people. Cave bear helped his own people form an advanced bear-civilization so this should be no problem. I will use my power of intelligence to solve these problems.

Cave bear acts:

This neighborhood is going to take lots of intelligence energy, something that cave bears don’t get without padding themselves with high protein criminals. So I crouch low in the hedge waiting for the drive by that this neighborhood is famous for……..several days later, I am stirred by a revving engine and the sound of gunfire. I spring into action and catch the car by its side and flip it over using my salmon flipping skills. The gangsters cry for mercy as I devour them slowly, enjoying them with a nice chianti and some fava beans. Lol.

There are nice families here, mostly of Hispanic nationalities. Sometimes I see them having birthday parties with lots of kids attending. Perfectly healthy. These people are my allies. I know a guy, Peter Barosso is his name and his girlfriend’s parents live in this neighborhood on Tenaya dr. near the park. He had to drive through this shanty town to pick her up when dating. So he knows all about this place.

Every bear knows that the first step in fixing people problems is education. Like the forest fire issue, people won’t act unless they have been educated that there is a problem. That’s where I enlist the help of hardened criminals turned motivational speakers, psychiatrists, social workers, police, therapists, and fellow bears to organize and direct. The bears of course are trained ninjas and will be training the people in the ninja discipline in order to teach them self esteem.

This will be a long and arduous process. First we will call a mandatory meeting of everyone in the hood. Then we will explain our plan and get them to buy off. They will buy off because no one likes being poor and down and out. What most of these people need is a reason to succeed. Many of them are of course mentally ill and will require medication to return them to healthy states of mind. Others need support groups to deal with their laziness or hopelessness. Great big bear-dumpsters are being brought in to clear the junk from people yards. Free online colleges are donating classes to people who want a better life while teachers are helping people realize that wearing saggy pants, speaking in improper English, and hating white people are not the way to go. Anger management specialists are here to teach people that only they are to blame for their conundrum.

Cave bear imagines:

5 years later: this neighborhood has been transformed into a utopia. Although heavily medicated for depression and anxiety, the people have reclaimed their streets and rebuilt their houses and yards. Where illiteracy and low IQs ruled the day, genius and scholarship now dominate. The new president (not obama, he was defeated in 2012) has declared south modesto to be a model for the world. Where there was rampant drugs and alcoholism there is now methadone clinics and rehab centers servicing the greater modesto area.  People are educated darn it and it feels great.  The homeless people now have permanent addresses and are either medicated or institutionalized and working in various capacities. Peter’s girlfriend says that this is a nice neighborhood and wouldn’t mind raising kids here…uh oh….

HeAlTh NiNjAs

Cave bear learns:

Today, cave man bear has decided that being fat and out of shape is costing our health care system money.  A long time ago I thought that fat humans were getting ready for winter as us bears do…you know, hibernation.  Then after being among humans for a long time I realized humans do not hibernate, and that all that fat was a result of bad habits and addictions.  Eating can be an addiction too. We bears know, we are addicted to eating too. That was why years before I was born, my father instituted the bear ninja training program to shape us up. It worked and I think that that may be what saves the humans too.

Cave bear has learned that there are already programs out there to educate and prompt people to get in shape. One big reason people eat too much is stress, anxiety, and depression. A lot of people cant handle things in life and so as a way of coping, they eat. A full stomach relaxes people, certain hormones are released that relax the body.

Cave bear acts:

Today cave bear was invited to act together with another superhero, but unfortunately the hero was afraid of a large and dangerous bear. His power was fire, and well you can imagine how that would have went over seeing as I fight forest fires.

I created  bear-ninjitsu style training for the people of modesto.  This training is designed to keep the people healthy and disease free by a steady regimen of martial arts and meditation. They are invited to eat all they want because of the energy burning exercises. Whole schools and associations have dedicated their lives to ninja bear-jitsu, like the modesto police and the traffic ninjas who practice balance in traffic avoiding cars and big-rigs.

Cave bear imagines:

Cave bear has initiated a greater outreach to all ninja-clans to join with the modesto bear-jitsu clubs in order to clean up immune systems everywhere. This network will provide support and buddy-hood for all that join. The modesto gangs have been especially excited about the ninja network and have been great recruiters.  It seems that by creating a ninja-network that crime has also been reduced, and the police department has been able to lay-off some officers because they are just not needed. Crime problem solved!!! ……errrr…..another problem exacerbated.

But hey, when you get great pictures with the motorcycle police you just cant pass it up. I mean the fire department decided not to support the ninja-network because we save more people and put out more fires than they do, by the very act of performing our martial art kicks and punches en-masse. The air is stirred up to such a ferocity, that the fire dies and we flip and somersault in to save the day. The fire department is jealous, and hey I guess why not? Its not everyday that a real life cave bear saves humanity.

mission three. cave bear came he saw and now cave bear kicks$%#

Cave  Bear Learns

                This is one smart bear in case anyone forgot. One of my main goals while cruising the mean streets of central California is to scour neighborhoods in search of information. Most of the time I find my information in garbage cans in dark allies but I also read an occasional newspaper when no one is looking. I have a concern about crime in this human world. It seems like it is out of control while funds are short to fight it.  Some of the ideas people have had in various parts of the country have been valiant but they aren’t cutting it.

                Sure cameras all over town sound good, but in the case of London, where there are one million, it just hasn’t been effective in catching crooks. It may provide deterrence, but that can’t be gauged. Another idea people have had is to provide neighborhood watches. This is like bringing a knife to a gunfight. The watchers may get hurt. They don’t pack any heat. Here in San Joaquin County, there is the Starrs program that provides retired people driving cars to patrol areas. Great idea.

Cave Bear acts:

I have decided to take up residence in a secret location in the city to see what I can do about the problem of crime. I set up shop behind an old water tower and radiate outwards like a giant wave of justice. Using my powers of bear-strength, intelligence, and 35mph sprinting I take a bite out of Mcgruff…errrr I mean crime. My salmon flipping abilities came in handy against a gang one night. As they surrounded me and tried to take me down I flipped each one of them into the next life. Their guns only made me madder. I ripped limbs and slashed jugulars. One guy even had his little brother along in on-the-gang-training. I spared the little one and he hugged me saying “thanks cave bear”.

                On another occasion in the middle of the night there were two guys in hoodies trying to steal Hondas. Their first crime was stealing cars. Their second crime was thinking a Honda was worth stealing. But since a missing car might mean some innocent person may miss work, I couldn’t let those losers get away. They are now resting peacefully near my colon.

                In my lair near the water tower, I set up motion activated and computer tracking 50 cali-bear  machine guns. They track targets that get too close. First the system warns them of their impending doom. Then if they don’t back away, the system warns them that it will shoot on the count of three. But it never makes it to three……because I have it shoot on two. Serves them right.

CAVE BEAR IMAGINES!

How it all goes down five years from now….ahhh yes. There is a family that lives in a small house with green walls decorated in somekind of new wave style. They have a small boy who has to be home alone because his parents both need to work to afford the house.  That’s where I come in. I prowl the neighborhoods educating boys and girls about the dangers of strangers. 

                Its thanksgiving time and little Justin has just gotten home from school. I drop in to tell him of the dangers of opening the door to strangers. There has been a string of burglaries and he needs to know how to stay safe. He tells me that his parents flew to Paris for the holidays and forgot him. I tell him how to set up traps and hazards for burglars trying to steal stuff. My super bear intellect and brain powers tell me that danger is close.

                Just then someone breaks in, and it is this big guy in a trenchcoat. He opens the coat and its filled with knives. This burglar sees me and swears he is a knife salesman. I know better, and now he is a half eaten lump of meat in my den behind the water tower. That’s one less criminal on the mean streets.

Mission 1. the bears unite!

CAVE MAN BEAR CHIEFTAIN RALLIES TEACHERS IN DOWNTOWN MODESTO

as i closed the dirty graphitti'd phone booth door on this busy street i fumbled through my trenchcoat pocket for some loose change, lighter, bubblegum, ahh three quarters. it ought to be enough. as my glowing red eyes light up the booth, i notice the typical missing phone book and trash in the change recepticle. no one seems to notice me as they pass, and i place my coins in the slot and dial. a car pulls up next to me on the rainy street as the earpiece rings.

"hello?" the voice on the other end calls out. "who's this?". "never mind who this is", i say "i have an important mission for you and your husband. it's life or death". after a short pause, the voice on the other end says that she's calling the police and that she can see me in the phone booth outside then hangs up. looking around and confused, my bear-power of intelligence is telling me that i may have called the wrong number so i check it. sure enough, what i thought was a four turns out to be a smeared nine. fearful that i may have to hurt humans, i leave for another phone booth. i slip away into the night.

this time i get it right, and its the voice of a friend of a friend's second cousin's merchant marine friend's professors wife. she accepts my important mission. one that will have future consequences. i ask her about education in her town (linden). she doesnt have much to say because she has an eight year old and a 6 year old. she recognized the lack of funding for things like field trips and the fact that the class has to meet rigorous testing deadlines. she noticed this primarily out of comparison with her own school experiences as a child. she did say thay school lunches are better now because of a salad bar and healthy choices. I'd prefer a meat-bar with meat-salad. She also said that the large number of kids per room have been making the personalized instruction impossible so she actually has to spend time with the children on their homework. I mean who would have thought that parents actually have to educate the kids. apparently this lady needs some superpowers. my daylight personality is a liberal studies major, i didnt appreciate this.

because of my daytime presonality as a libs major, i know all about these issues. as a bear-hero and chieftain i set policy and uphold the law. i have some insight on how these problems can be fixed and they start at home. PARENTS! take matters into your own hands and educate your own kids. I mean give the teachers a hand they have to meet deadlines and standardized testing. throw them a bone once in a while. volunteer in their classrooms. educate yourselves instead of maintaining the status quo. our community needs to get healthier and self centeredness is not helping. having kids is a major responsibility so stop sending them to school so you can have a life. take part, get engaged. school used to be conducted in one room coal fired school houses, we dont need funds or money to teach our kids, we need dedication and maturity. as a bear, maturity comes early and it is celebrated with the great bearp-tism ceremony.

as for higher education. we bears realize that ilife is survival of the fittest, and to say that it doesnt apply anmore to humans is naieve and stupid. we bears think that higher education should be hard to achieve to weed out the impossibly undedicated people. schools should also be non-profit and salaries should be regulated. humans have the power of intelligence too, but it is tempered with laziness and entitlements.

my bear powers of strength and intelligence would set about fixing this with more community involvement in education, then at the government level i would institute a tax break for families with children on the honor roll. this should appeal to anyone that likes money. in order to help families get the tax incentive, i would then set up volunteer community-tutoring centers staffed with csus libs students as part of the degree program. with extra money in their pockets familes could afford more while their kids become smarter, thus breaking the cycle.

this is how us bears think.....humans have a long way to go.....

conservative cave man has his ear to the ground, and hears all!

disguised as a regular bear i make my rounds among the unsuspecting people quietly listening to their conversations as i sift through the days trash pretending that i need a meal. what they dont know is that my belly is warm and full courtesy of the man stealing purses from old ladies. one thing i cant stand even among humans is crime. they may burn the forests with their wicked fire, but i have hope for humanity yet.

the sidewalk was busy and the smell of greasy tacos wafted through the air via the rusty vent on the side of the dirty roach coach parked nearby. there was a line nearby, people seemed to be shifting. restless. as if they were waiting for something. that something they were waiting for was hope. hope for a better future. hope for permanent jobs and sustainability. lucky my stomache was full or this could get nasty.

today the people were waiting for a little somthing tho get them by. tomorrow they would be back in their sunglasses and expensive basketball shoes. they had been on the dole so long they knew little else. this morning in the window of flanigans TV shop, the news man announced a new government stimulus package on top of the first three that failed. when would this government realize that bailouts, stimulus, and handouts are just borrowed money anyway. The money comes from the taxpayer, financing the future for votes today. its just a sad sad political circle. vote prostitution.

lucky for these poor souls cave man has men on the inside. men who know what picante sauce is supposed to taste like. it doesnt taste like stuff from new york city. NEW YORK CITY?!!! get a rope..... now these men are paid by bear-kind to create whispers of change and hope within man-kind for a better future for us all. these men know what the city needs. these learned men know how to end the depressing doldrums of doom. let me spell it out for you.

first, man kind needs to redirect funding to research schools like UCLA and RUTGERS. these schools produce thinkers and creators of new ideas and processes. often times they create new technologies that become widespread and profitable. these new ideas and techs create new industry which spreads across the nation. these new industries provide new jobs and new exports to bolster the economy. they will sell briskly in emerging markets like china and india. this brings revenue to the  localities and this revenue is spent in local businesses. this all results in jobs jobs jobs.

i am going to go out on a limb here and say that the industry that we need to create is a productive one. how about agriculture? is there a reason there should be all these people standing in line when there are tomatoes needing picking? we have a back-door industry that has existed all along and no-one seems to have noticed it. maybe because so many people think that stooping over is for migrants? well we are all migrants, especially me, cave man bear.  this is a short term job that will give rise to long term jobs in the service industries. think summer jobs for college kids.

of course this is not all so easily done. this is survival of the fittest, just like bear-kind. if someone is unfit to compete for resources, well use your imagination...this is what this is all about right? i mean im some bear acting like a wild bear, minding my own business on the mean streets of modesto and nothing is out of place? thats how wild this whole thing is. there is a man eating bear in line next to you at the bank and you dont even notice?

mission accomplished.

my regular life

so apparently, i have to have this alter ego regular personality. it is simply this: I am a bear. you may see me occasionally here or there but mostly i remain out of site. I do like to pretend that i need food at national parks, but this is a ruse in order to run interference for bear-doings somewhere where maximum stealth is a requirement, like stealing or sabotaging something.

what i like best about my alternate personality is the ability to meander up to some tourist who smokes and drops his butts on the ground. i rear up on my hindlegs and speak to him about the dangers of forestfires. this cannot happen too frequently or people would actually believe the stories people tell about a smart bear up in the mountains.'

this is how i spend my time when i am not using my super powers of fishing and running fast or thinking hard.

past present and future

hello everyone i  am peter barosso. i do not use caps. it is a waste of time so sue me. i was born in 1975 in sacramento ca. and grew up thinking president reagan was the shiz-nick. i have come to all my own opinions about things on my own with a minimal of outside influence. i have never been a follower, never will. my main talent was art, still is. i was tuck in an industry i liked but saw no future in, so i returned to school.

today after many years i am a student and about to grad. i work full time, have two kids and go to school full time. how do i  do it? one word: crack. just kidding. i actually have 30 hour days unlike mere mortals' 24 hour days. because i am that awesome.

i am going to be a teacher, because the pay is so high of course. actually, i am doing it in order to help make the world better. seriously. i am not some young 20 something idealistic noob, it can be done. i would like to offer my children the most loving and supportive home that is possible with discipline and hard work. i will die sometime in the future, make no mistake we all are.

my origins

I began life as your average baby bear. You know, full of life, curiosity, and fresh salmon. My mother was named GrrrHmmmfsk-fsk-fsk, which in bear-ish is gnarly-deer-hunter-tree-scratcher. She was kind and gentle to all that she didnt have to eat or poop on. My father could not be named for he was considered to be of such legendary quality that it was forbidden. This was common practice in bear-ianity, which everybody knows is the religion of all bears. How my father obtained his heroic status is well known to bear-kind and lesser animals like porcupines (just dont tell them that they are lesser, you will never hear the end of it and will quite possibly get a quill or two).
 ........My father was a great Hunter of Man and his fire. Men invaded bear lands and brought fire and dogs. They waged a savage war with the bears that raged for hundreds of years until one day a mighty hero arose to train the bear warriors in the way of the Ninja. For all their cuddly looks and cute faces you would never know that there killers undernieth. My father commanded the bear legions during the decisive battle of constipatia where the men were taken at unawares and utterly destroyed. He then reorganized the bear community into a bear-topia.
........my father did not die like all else that lives, but was lifted into the heavens by the all powerful God to serve as arc-bearangel. In doing so, God created the constellation of the Hunter which can still be seen to this very day.
........As you can imagine, this role model was part-in-parcel to my becoming a great bear chieftain. I inherited all that was His and set about immediately putting out fires. Fires men created as a way of expressing the anger they harbored against bear-kind for the bitter loss of the war. I created written language inorder to communicate the importance of not starting fires. when our bear engineers created complex machines, i created the television in order to express to a wide audience the impact even one bear can have in fire control.

.......now, bears say that I do these feats with superpowers and the answer is Yes I DO. My main superpower is the power of using my brain. I can think, problem solve, and excuse myself from the table. I can run very quickly, to the tune of 35mph. I am very strong, lifting rocks and throwing fish out of rivers poses no trouble for me. I do all these things to keep the forest thick and lush in order to keep bear-civilization secret from the men who would destroy us.