mission6. healthy people

Cave bear imagines:

Cave bear learns:

                Cave bear has learned that the problem with the world is video games. People don’t go outside and play as much. Instead they stay in and drink soda and get their heart rates up by killing zombies. Certain cities have promoted healthy lifestyles to no avail. Parents are just not as involved in parenting these days. I guess you say they don’t care. People need to accept responsibility for their own lives and its time this bear got into high gear.

Cave bear acts:

                When this bear was small he used to enjoy salmon fishing with his bear-paws (pun intended). The cold water rushing by, the roar of the rapids, and the large juicy fish jumping out of the water attempting to swim upstream.  There I stand like a machine. Swiping fish out of the water and air like a bear windmill. This is bear cardio, and humans should try it. Of course humans would rather slap virtual salmon out of the water and then get trophies and level-ups. It seems life is too much work for humans. Salmon fishing bear style will hopefully be something people will love as much as bears do.

                The first thing I will do will be to approach NBC with an offer to create a televised salmon swiping sport for humans so as to glamorize the sport. This will entice the young people that bears are cool and that they can obtain large tasty fish in such fashion.

                Then my second step will be to indoctrinate the youth and to whip them into a fervor with ideas of health consciousness and granola. No more they idolize trash talking sports stars that are overpaid and oversexed.  To do this I will create internet sensational videos that will go viral with encoded messages that are subliminal in nature. The message will engage the serotonin levels to equalize and as a result there will be no more depression.

                The third thing I will do will be to coax the sun to produce more cosmic high energy rays to penetrate the humans in order to cause more DNA damage, thus weeding out the weak. The people that are left after the period of bombardment will repopulate the earth with a more hardy and healthy humans that avoid making poor life choices.

Cave bear imagines:

                I have teamed up with two people.  A bald eagle from the baldeagle-tribe and healzor for his health multiplying powers. The baldeagles will help mankind learn the power of kick-ass. Everyone in America has left their gripes of unfairness, unjust-ness, poverty, richness and powerless-ness to come to the natural streams of the forests of the northwest to hunt fish in the ice cold streams. They now exercise regularly and live in a utopian society where heart rates are 60-70 bpm and blood pressure is 120 over 60. This natural stress reliever has worked wonders for the American people. As they have become more health and eco-conscience, China has learned that they were soft and invaded, but hey, lets save the environment first! Healzor has never been busier and now is a guru with millions of followers.  Absolutely no one dies! They remain healthy for hundreds of years until they beg for death, All because a simple idea sprouted up about getting in shape. Now the bears are pushed to the brink of extinction competing for the natural resources.

               

mission five: ghetto fabulous

Mission 5:

Cave bear learns:

Deep in the mires of modesto’s airport neighborhood this cave bear listens to the barking dogs and gunshots and random drunkenness. This is a neighborhood that borders the huge Gallo plant on one side and a river on another. There are three liquor stores in this neighborhood, two churches, and a steady stream of sheriff cars. Down every street there are signs of disfunctionality and decrepitude. There are homeless people living along the river and wandering through the neighborhood enroute to the liquor stores or other places. Yards are filled with junk and several houses have burned to the ground.

But there are nice houses too. Bordering the park there are several nice places with nice cars in front. Fenced in yards and guard dogs protect the house from the sea of sweltering disenfranchisement. This neighborhood needs cave bear.

Cave bear has seen worse. Cave bear can help these people. Cave bear helped his own people form an advanced bear-civilization so this should be no problem. I will use my power of intelligence to solve these problems.

Cave bear acts:

This neighborhood is going to take lots of intelligence energy, something that cave bears don’t get without padding themselves with high protein criminals. So I crouch low in the hedge waiting for the drive by that this neighborhood is famous for……..several days later, I am stirred by a revving engine and the sound of gunfire. I spring into action and catch the car by its side and flip it over using my salmon flipping skills. The gangsters cry for mercy as I devour them slowly, enjoying them with a nice chianti and some fava beans. Lol.

There are nice families here, mostly of Hispanic nationalities. Sometimes I see them having birthday parties with lots of kids attending. Perfectly healthy. These people are my allies. I know a guy, Peter Barosso is his name and his girlfriend’s parents live in this neighborhood on Tenaya dr. near the park. He had to drive through this shanty town to pick her up when dating. So he knows all about this place.

Every bear knows that the first step in fixing people problems is education. Like the forest fire issue, people won’t act unless they have been educated that there is a problem. That’s where I enlist the help of hardened criminals turned motivational speakers, psychiatrists, social workers, police, therapists, and fellow bears to organize and direct. The bears of course are trained ninjas and will be training the people in the ninja discipline in order to teach them self esteem.

This will be a long and arduous process. First we will call a mandatory meeting of everyone in the hood. Then we will explain our plan and get them to buy off. They will buy off because no one likes being poor and down and out. What most of these people need is a reason to succeed. Many of them are of course mentally ill and will require medication to return them to healthy states of mind. Others need support groups to deal with their laziness or hopelessness. Great big bear-dumpsters are being brought in to clear the junk from people yards. Free online colleges are donating classes to people who want a better life while teachers are helping people realize that wearing saggy pants, speaking in improper English, and hating white people are not the way to go. Anger management specialists are here to teach people that only they are to blame for their conundrum.

Cave bear imagines:

5 years later: this neighborhood has been transformed into a utopia. Although heavily medicated for depression and anxiety, the people have reclaimed their streets and rebuilt their houses and yards. Where illiteracy and low IQs ruled the day, genius and scholarship now dominate. The new president (not obama, he was defeated in 2012) has declared south modesto to be a model for the world. Where there was rampant drugs and alcoholism there is now methadone clinics and rehab centers servicing the greater modesto area.  People are educated darn it and it feels great.  The homeless people now have permanent addresses and are either medicated or institutionalized and working in various capacities. Peter’s girlfriend says that this is a nice neighborhood and wouldn’t mind raising kids here…uh oh….

HeAlTh NiNjAs

Cave bear learns:

Today, cave man bear has decided that being fat and out of shape is costing our health care system money.  A long time ago I thought that fat humans were getting ready for winter as us bears do…you know, hibernation.  Then after being among humans for a long time I realized humans do not hibernate, and that all that fat was a result of bad habits and addictions.  Eating can be an addiction too. We bears know, we are addicted to eating too. That was why years before I was born, my father instituted the bear ninja training program to shape us up. It worked and I think that that may be what saves the humans too.

Cave bear has learned that there are already programs out there to educate and prompt people to get in shape. One big reason people eat too much is stress, anxiety, and depression. A lot of people cant handle things in life and so as a way of coping, they eat. A full stomach relaxes people, certain hormones are released that relax the body.

Cave bear acts:

Today cave bear was invited to act together with another superhero, but unfortunately the hero was afraid of a large and dangerous bear. His power was fire, and well you can imagine how that would have went over seeing as I fight forest fires.

I created  bear-ninjitsu style training for the people of modesto.  This training is designed to keep the people healthy and disease free by a steady regimen of martial arts and meditation. They are invited to eat all they want because of the energy burning exercises. Whole schools and associations have dedicated their lives to ninja bear-jitsu, like the modesto police and the traffic ninjas who practice balance in traffic avoiding cars and big-rigs.

Cave bear imagines:

Cave bear has initiated a greater outreach to all ninja-clans to join with the modesto bear-jitsu clubs in order to clean up immune systems everywhere. This network will provide support and buddy-hood for all that join. The modesto gangs have been especially excited about the ninja network and have been great recruiters.  It seems that by creating a ninja-network that crime has also been reduced, and the police department has been able to lay-off some officers because they are just not needed. Crime problem solved!!! ……errrr…..another problem exacerbated.

But hey, when you get great pictures with the motorcycle police you just cant pass it up. I mean the fire department decided not to support the ninja-network because we save more people and put out more fires than they do, by the very act of performing our martial art kicks and punches en-masse. The air is stirred up to such a ferocity, that the fire dies and we flip and somersault in to save the day. The fire department is jealous, and hey I guess why not? Its not everyday that a real life cave bear saves humanity.

mission three. cave bear came he saw and now cave bear kicks$%#

Cave  Bear Learns

                This is one smart bear in case anyone forgot. One of my main goals while cruising the mean streets of central California is to scour neighborhoods in search of information. Most of the time I find my information in garbage cans in dark allies but I also read an occasional newspaper when no one is looking. I have a concern about crime in this human world. It seems like it is out of control while funds are short to fight it.  Some of the ideas people have had in various parts of the country have been valiant but they aren’t cutting it.

                Sure cameras all over town sound good, but in the case of London, where there are one million, it just hasn’t been effective in catching crooks. It may provide deterrence, but that can’t be gauged. Another idea people have had is to provide neighborhood watches. This is like bringing a knife to a gunfight. The watchers may get hurt. They don’t pack any heat. Here in San Joaquin County, there is the Starrs program that provides retired people driving cars to patrol areas. Great idea.

Cave Bear acts:

I have decided to take up residence in a secret location in the city to see what I can do about the problem of crime. I set up shop behind an old water tower and radiate outwards like a giant wave of justice. Using my powers of bear-strength, intelligence, and 35mph sprinting I take a bite out of Mcgruff…errrr I mean crime. My salmon flipping abilities came in handy against a gang one night. As they surrounded me and tried to take me down I flipped each one of them into the next life. Their guns only made me madder. I ripped limbs and slashed jugulars. One guy even had his little brother along in on-the-gang-training. I spared the little one and he hugged me saying “thanks cave bear”.

                On another occasion in the middle of the night there were two guys in hoodies trying to steal Hondas. Their first crime was stealing cars. Their second crime was thinking a Honda was worth stealing. But since a missing car might mean some innocent person may miss work, I couldn’t let those losers get away. They are now resting peacefully near my colon.

                In my lair near the water tower, I set up motion activated and computer tracking 50 cali-bear  machine guns. They track targets that get too close. First the system warns them of their impending doom. Then if they don’t back away, the system warns them that it will shoot on the count of three. But it never makes it to three……because I have it shoot on two. Serves them right.

CAVE BEAR IMAGINES!

How it all goes down five years from now….ahhh yes. There is a family that lives in a small house with green walls decorated in somekind of new wave style. They have a small boy who has to be home alone because his parents both need to work to afford the house.  That’s where I come in. I prowl the neighborhoods educating boys and girls about the dangers of strangers. 

                Its thanksgiving time and little Justin has just gotten home from school. I drop in to tell him of the dangers of opening the door to strangers. There has been a string of burglaries and he needs to know how to stay safe. He tells me that his parents flew to Paris for the holidays and forgot him. I tell him how to set up traps and hazards for burglars trying to steal stuff. My super bear intellect and brain powers tell me that danger is close.

                Just then someone breaks in, and it is this big guy in a trenchcoat. He opens the coat and its filled with knives. This burglar sees me and swears he is a knife salesman. I know better, and now he is a half eaten lump of meat in my den behind the water tower. That’s one less criminal on the mean streets.