mission three. cave bear came he saw and now cave bear kicks$%#

Cave  Bear Learns

                This is one smart bear in case anyone forgot. One of my main goals while cruising the mean streets of central California is to scour neighborhoods in search of information. Most of the time I find my information in garbage cans in dark allies but I also read an occasional newspaper when no one is looking. I have a concern about crime in this human world. It seems like it is out of control while funds are short to fight it.  Some of the ideas people have had in various parts of the country have been valiant but they aren’t cutting it.

                Sure cameras all over town sound good, but in the case of London, where there are one million, it just hasn’t been effective in catching crooks. It may provide deterrence, but that can’t be gauged. Another idea people have had is to provide neighborhood watches. This is like bringing a knife to a gunfight. The watchers may get hurt. They don’t pack any heat. Here in San Joaquin County, there is the Starrs program that provides retired people driving cars to patrol areas. Great idea.

Cave Bear acts:

I have decided to take up residence in a secret location in the city to see what I can do about the problem of crime. I set up shop behind an old water tower and radiate outwards like a giant wave of justice. Using my powers of bear-strength, intelligence, and 35mph sprinting I take a bite out of Mcgruff…errrr I mean crime. My salmon flipping abilities came in handy against a gang one night. As they surrounded me and tried to take me down I flipped each one of them into the next life. Their guns only made me madder. I ripped limbs and slashed jugulars. One guy even had his little brother along in on-the-gang-training. I spared the little one and he hugged me saying “thanks cave bear”.

                On another occasion in the middle of the night there were two guys in hoodies trying to steal Hondas. Their first crime was stealing cars. Their second crime was thinking a Honda was worth stealing. But since a missing car might mean some innocent person may miss work, I couldn’t let those losers get away. They are now resting peacefully near my colon.

                In my lair near the water tower, I set up motion activated and computer tracking 50 cali-bear  machine guns. They track targets that get too close. First the system warns them of their impending doom. Then if they don’t back away, the system warns them that it will shoot on the count of three. But it never makes it to three……because I have it shoot on two. Serves them right.

CAVE BEAR IMAGINES!

How it all goes down five years from now….ahhh yes. There is a family that lives in a small house with green walls decorated in somekind of new wave style. They have a small boy who has to be home alone because his parents both need to work to afford the house.  That’s where I come in. I prowl the neighborhoods educating boys and girls about the dangers of strangers. 

                Its thanksgiving time and little Justin has just gotten home from school. I drop in to tell him of the dangers of opening the door to strangers. There has been a string of burglaries and he needs to know how to stay safe. He tells me that his parents flew to Paris for the holidays and forgot him. I tell him how to set up traps and hazards for burglars trying to steal stuff. My super bear intellect and brain powers tell me that danger is close.

                Just then someone breaks in, and it is this big guy in a trenchcoat. He opens the coat and its filled with knives. This burglar sees me and swears he is a knife salesman. I know better, and now he is a half eaten lump of meat in my den behind the water tower. That’s one less criminal on the mean streets.