mission five: ghetto fabulous

Mission 5:

Cave bear learns:

Deep in the mires of modesto’s airport neighborhood this cave bear listens to the barking dogs and gunshots and random drunkenness. This is a neighborhood that borders the huge Gallo plant on one side and a river on another. There are three liquor stores in this neighborhood, two churches, and a steady stream of sheriff cars. Down every street there are signs of disfunctionality and decrepitude. There are homeless people living along the river and wandering through the neighborhood enroute to the liquor stores or other places. Yards are filled with junk and several houses have burned to the ground.

But there are nice houses too. Bordering the park there are several nice places with nice cars in front. Fenced in yards and guard dogs protect the house from the sea of sweltering disenfranchisement. This neighborhood needs cave bear.

Cave bear has seen worse. Cave bear can help these people. Cave bear helped his own people form an advanced bear-civilization so this should be no problem. I will use my power of intelligence to solve these problems.

Cave bear acts:

This neighborhood is going to take lots of intelligence energy, something that cave bears don’t get without padding themselves with high protein criminals. So I crouch low in the hedge waiting for the drive by that this neighborhood is famous for……..several days later, I am stirred by a revving engine and the sound of gunfire. I spring into action and catch the car by its side and flip it over using my salmon flipping skills. The gangsters cry for mercy as I devour them slowly, enjoying them with a nice chianti and some fava beans. Lol.

There are nice families here, mostly of Hispanic nationalities. Sometimes I see them having birthday parties with lots of kids attending. Perfectly healthy. These people are my allies. I know a guy, Peter Barosso is his name and his girlfriend’s parents live in this neighborhood on Tenaya dr. near the park. He had to drive through this shanty town to pick her up when dating. So he knows all about this place.

Every bear knows that the first step in fixing people problems is education. Like the forest fire issue, people won’t act unless they have been educated that there is a problem. That’s where I enlist the help of hardened criminals turned motivational speakers, psychiatrists, social workers, police, therapists, and fellow bears to organize and direct. The bears of course are trained ninjas and will be training the people in the ninja discipline in order to teach them self esteem.

This will be a long and arduous process. First we will call a mandatory meeting of everyone in the hood. Then we will explain our plan and get them to buy off. They will buy off because no one likes being poor and down and out. What most of these people need is a reason to succeed. Many of them are of course mentally ill and will require medication to return them to healthy states of mind. Others need support groups to deal with their laziness or hopelessness. Great big bear-dumpsters are being brought in to clear the junk from people yards. Free online colleges are donating classes to people who want a better life while teachers are helping people realize that wearing saggy pants, speaking in improper English, and hating white people are not the way to go. Anger management specialists are here to teach people that only they are to blame for their conundrum.

Cave bear imagines:

5 years later: this neighborhood has been transformed into a utopia. Although heavily medicated for depression and anxiety, the people have reclaimed their streets and rebuilt their houses and yards. Where illiteracy and low IQs ruled the day, genius and scholarship now dominate. The new president (not obama, he was defeated in 2012) has declared south modesto to be a model for the world. Where there was rampant drugs and alcoholism there is now methadone clinics and rehab centers servicing the greater modesto area.  People are educated darn it and it feels great.  The homeless people now have permanent addresses and are either medicated or institutionalized and working in various capacities. Peter’s girlfriend says that this is a nice neighborhood and wouldn’t mind raising kids here…uh oh….